emptyness
i don’t think there has been a time where i felt whole/complete/real. sometimes i embrace the hollowness and sometimes i resent it but it’s always there.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Aphex Twin - untitled (Rhubarb)
(Selected Ambient Works II, 1994)
Sometimes only music can tell you how you’re feeling.
On repeat: forever.
By first believing in Santa Claus, then the Easter Bunny, then the Tooth Fairy, Rant Casey was recognizing that those myths are more than pretty stories and traditions to delight children. Or to modify behavior. Each of those three traditions asks a child to believe in the impossible in exchange for a reward. These are stepped-up tests to build a child’s faith and imagination. The first test is to believe in a magical person, with toys as the reward. The second test is to trust a magical animal, with candy as the reward. The last test is the most difficult, with the most abstract reward: To believe, trust in a flying fairy that will leave money. From a man to an animal to a fairy. From toys to candy to money. Thus, interestingly enough, transferring the magic of faith and trust from sparkling fairydom to clumsy, tarnished coins. From gossamer wings to nickels…dimes…and quarters. In this way, a child is stepped up to greater feats of imagination and faith as her or she matures. Beginning with Santa in infancy, and ending with the Tooth Fairy as the child acquires adult teeth. Or, plainly put, beginning with all the possibility of childhood, and ending with an absolute trust in the national currency.” pg 61-62
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RANT pg 61-62 -chuck palanuik |
observing
today i started a weekly tally of a number of things i want to do more of,(hours of axis 64 and drum practice, hours of excercise, hours of study) , and things i want to do less of (hours of tv, facebook, amount of times i consume alchohol, caffiene, and overly processed foods).
i got the idea from doing a nutrition course for uni last year. my lecturer told us to write down what we ate for a week and told us that by writing things down our eating patterns will change. people told me that the stopped eating dessert for that week etc. im pretty good when it comes to food but i thought i would try this out on other areas of behaviour
without setting out to achieve anything in particular the pure act of observing my own behaviour is proving to be very productive. i stop watching tv because i dont want to have to write down that i watched an hour of tv) not out of lazyness but because i want to impress the Liam of tommorow. i feel like a child trying to impress a teacher or parent.
im going to stick to this system and see if being BIG BROTHER to myself is productive in the long term
dreamin’
had a dream that i was put to the death sentence for something i hadn’t done. for some reason i was really chilled about the whole thing, i went into the injecting room thing and was making conversation with the woman who injected me. then i got up and started walking around feeling a bit ill. the executioner lady was all emotional about it but i was just making conversation. the freaky part was that i believed it was all real, it was very vivid and yet i was totally fine with it.
on the media
for a few years i have had an aversion to commercial television, commercial radio, newspapers, and other popular mediums. it never really clicked as to why but i think i now understand it.
I have long been aware that entertainment media are not purely artistic on a commercial level. they have sponsors (corporate or government), to please. when these vested interests are poorly hidden eg. a closeup of someone drinking coca-cola on neighbors while playing with an iphone i often enjoy pointing it out for the sake of humor
i have also been aware that “news” programs are primarily an entertainment medium. they are payed by advertisers to bring viewers/listeners/readers. i often try to pick why a particular news story is being shown; government funding, comercial sponsors, or trying to boost ratings to increase advertising rates.
in the past when i have had the house to myself for a few weeks i have barely watched any television, listened to any radio, or read any newspapers for extended periods of time. when my family comes back from wherever, I’m not used to the constant stream of information;i find it overwhelming. my family, as i suspect many people do, like to turn on the tv, sit back, and not think. this always made me feel uneasy but i didn’t understand it. i have had the same sensation as an athiest going to religious gatherings and witnessing many of the rituals. the feeling of “somethings not right here”.
today it all made sense to me. the reason for my distaste for these forms of media is that we cannot always be conscious of the motives of the provider. this means they can influence us in sub-conscious ways. i personally find this unsettling.
i believe i am not a victim to this most of the time, not because im “too clever” for advertising tricks, but because i only ever access these forms of media intentionally and i am always aware or trying to be aware of the motivation behind the messages being sent. my family can do this as well but i find they tend to just turn the tv on to something and watch it while zoning out. hypnosis is basically zoning out, and has been found to be a powerful way of influencing a person thoughts, feelings and behaviors as it is a highly receptive state
my family are so conditioned to the mass media that if i sit in the lounge room listening to music or reading a book they question my motives and tell me i’m weird. sometimes they just scream at me or make agonized faces at the horror of having the tv turned off. my family have stated before that they would rather watch something than sit in silence, even if they do not like the show. my mother has said that she watches shows like neighbors so she doesn’t have to think.
i dont think ill be watching tv for a while
new aproach to homework/work
my new approach to homework is the same as my old approach to working out; be positive, and reward myself. its become clear to me today that i need to treat myself as i would treat anyone else. if you want someone to get fit you tell them how fun a run will be or how good you feel afterwards; no personal trainer tells their clients to train harder be cause “you are already fat, dont make it worse”.i figure the same is true for any pursuit. instead of not doing things i enjoy because i have homework due, i do homework for a set amount of time with the enjoyable activity as a reward. instead of telling myself i need to do this to pass, i tell myself that if i do my best i will excell.
lets see how it goes
